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August 26, 2004
« August 23, 2004 | Main | September 08, 2004 »

Urban Legends Come to Life, Stalk Republicans Through Manhattan

Bernadette Malone, a columnist for New Hampshire's notoriously Republican--and daft--Manchester Union-Leader, has made a series of shocking discoveries about protesters' plans for Republican convention visitors:

Next week, people who hate Republicans plan to release swarms of mice in New York City to terrorize delegates to the National Republican Convention.

Republican-haters plan on dressing up as RNC volunteers, and giving false directions to little blue hair ladies from Kansas, sending them into the sectors of New York City that are unfit for human habitation.

They plan on throwing pies and Lord knows what else at Republican visitors to the city. Prostitutes with AIDS plan to seduce Republican visitors, and discourage the use of condoms, according to liberal journalist Ted Rall.

[Read Malone's column.] 

So Rall's been talking? Damn him! I suppose now there's no harm in passing along what I've already heard about the fate of several Republicans who traveled to New York City early for a little vacation:

  • One couple, while parked and making out on a remote stretch of the FDR Highway, heard an odd noise outside their car. The man left to investigate and never returned. During the long, terrifying night that ensued, the woman began to hear a scraping sound on the roof of the car. When police arrived the next morning, they found the man's mangled body hanging upside down from the tree above the car--that tinny scraping sound had been his fingernails brushing across its roof!
  • Another couple, parked and making out on a remote stretch of Broadway in the theater district, heard a report on the car radio about a mad killer with a hook for a hand who had escaped from a mental institution. The man began teasing the woman about it. "What was that sound?" he would ask. "Did you hear that?" Finally the woman became so frightened that she demanded they drive back to their hotel immediately. When the woman got out of the car, the hook from the madman's hand was hanging from the outside car door handle. If they hadn't left exactly when they did, both would have been killed!
  • One delegate brought his Doberman Pinscher to New York with him. It escaped one day while on a walk. When the man found the dog about an hour later, it seemed ill. After a while it vomited. In the pile of vomit, the dog's owner found a convention protester's hand! 
  • Another delegate, an elegantly dressed woman with a piled-high, beehive hairdo carefully shellacked in place with hairspray, encountered a protester outside a restaurant. They began yelling at each other and then got in a shoving match. When the protester grabbed the delegate by her hair, the elaborate 'do cracked open and released a swarm of killer wasps that had been nesting inside. The wasps stung both the delegate and the protester to death! 

Also, this friendly warning to convention-goers: Forget the hookers--it's the rats injected with the AIDS virus you've got to worry about. They will be released in each hotel where delegates and party officials are staying. Their front teeth have been sharpened to fine points and they were raised on a diet of fetuses torn from Republican wombs to give them the scent and taste of their prey.

A friend of mine has a buddy who heard it from someone in a position to know.

Posted by Steve Perry at August 26, 2004 10:23 AM

 

Swift Boat to Nowhere

Plus the 527 ad you will probably never see

In the past couple of days I've been working on a column about October Surprise scenarios for next week's City Pages. In the first draft I started by alluding to the swift boat dustup, and remarked that, unfortunately for the president, no one cared.

Did I say no one cared? I meant that lots of people cared. This morning's LA Times brings news of a poll showing Bush in the lead 49-46 thanks partly to the Vietnam ads. That is a 5-point turnaround from the Times's July poll. Ron Brownstein writes that the data shows " the electorate edging toward Bush over the past month on a broad range of measures, from support for his handling of Iraq to confidence in his leadership and honesty."

His honesty! Never mind the obvious and unexploited retort about Bush's own military service. Bush's scoring points for honesty is the ultimate tribute to Kerry's--oh, discreet--style of campaigning.

I hereby volunteer my services for the following testimonial Kerry ad:

[Opening shot: Kerry at the podium, waving and smiling in slow motion]

VOICEOVER: "I've been watching John Kerry on the campaign trail. Trying to, anyway. He's hard to see sometimes."

[Cut to shot of Kerry eating corn at a state fair]

VOICEOVER: "I would say John Kerry is a... careful man. And polite. He looks good in public."

[Cut to shot of Kerry and Edwards on stage at the convention finale]

VOICEOVER: "I know he's a lot like Bush. But you know, I think he's actually a lot lazier than Bush."

[Cut to shot of the speaker, sitting in a rocking chair]

"If John Kerry runs the country like he's run his campaign, he won't do anything at all in the White House.

"And that's why I'm voting for John Kerry." 

My colleague Dr. Corey Anderson, by the way, has posted a series of ads from the Bush Swift Yacht Veterans at American Idle.  

Posted by Steve Perry at August 26, 2004 08:37 AM

 

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