LNW! RIP

I have humiliated myself and my family long enough. LNW! will be no more. After disappointing porn surfers for three-plus years, it is time to pull the plug.

Future footy coverage will be in the previously soccer-free zone of Balls.

Posted by Paul Demko at March 28, 2007 03:17 PM

 

Plus they're a bunch of dirty diving wankers

There's a smart piece by Robert Weintraub in Slate about the miserably sorry state of Italian soccer. He hits on many of the points that have convinced me to not waste my time watching Serie A--match fixing, corrupt referees, fascists. Weintraub's prescription for change is radical:

Soccer is as important a part of Italian culture as espresso or opera, so it's hard to imagine the fat lady singing for the sport of Zoff, Maldini, and Cannavaro. But an extraordinary intervention is needed. The domestic leagues should be shut down for at least the rest of this year, and Italian clubs should be banned from European competition. The clubs should be punished for the criminal actions of ultras representing them. There also needs to be a cleaving between politics and sport. Private ownership should be encouraged, foreign if necessary, so that the decision-making and direction of the clubs don't go through layers of people with nonsoccer agendas. Mostly, the Italian Football Association needs to understand how farcical their sport appears to outside eyes. Only then can Italy's favorite game restore some of its former luster. Or at least climb out of the gutter to the level of, say, Major League Soccer.

I'll forgive him the dig at MLS. Read the whole piece.

Posted by Paul Demko at February 14, 2007 05:45 PM

 

Victory

Posted by Paul Demko at February 08, 2007 01:22 PM

 

Mexico still has not scored on U.S. soil this century

That's 13-0 to the gringos in the last eight contests.

Yet last night's monumental 2-0 victory garnered zero coverage in the daily fishwrap. Sold-out stadium, 62,000 fans, national coverage on ESPN2 and Univision--and readers of the Pi Press wouldn't know a damn thing about it. The geniuses who edit the sports section did manage, however, to include a breakdown of the recruiting class for the Gopher women's soccer program.

Misogynists.

I'd cancel my $154 annual subscription if I didn't have to read it out of professional obligation.

(Yes, that's the great Jimmy Conrad celebrating his first international goal.)

Posted by Paul Demko at February 08, 2007 10:27 AM

 

Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait

This fabulous film is playing at the Walker Art Center this weekend. Word is that the Friday night viewing is already sold out so get your tickets now. Minnesota Thunder season ticket holders get a $2 discount. I wrote a brief review for this week's CP, but can't seem to find it on the web site. So I'll post here:

Prior to headbutting his way to global infamy last summer in Germany, Zinedine Zidane was crafting an exquisite swan song to his career, leading his French side on an improbable run to the World Cup final. This absorbing film serves as a more fitting capstone to his redoubtable career. It captures an April, 2005 club match between Zidane's Real Madrid and Villareal at the renowned Bernabeu stadium. The directors, Philippe Parreno and Douglas Gordon, utilized 17 different cameras to document Zidane's inimitable ball skills throughout the 90-minute contest. The filmmakers aren't really interested in the outcome of the game. When the crowd rises in mass indignation midway through the first half viewers are left to speculate about the inspiration for their outrage because the camera continues to linger lovingly on the number five shirt far from the action. Nor is this a highlight real. More time is devoted to watching beads of sweat drip from Zidane's chin than on establishing his footballing pedigree. But the enigmatic protagonist does finally reward viewers with a mind-bending second half run that is all the more thrilling owing to the extended build up. Naturally he also displays the fiery temper that would subsequently get him tossed out of the final game of his international career. (Paul Demko)

Posted by Paul Demko at February 07, 2007 09:16 AM

 

USA v. Mexico

Wednesday night marks the real return of the U.S. men's national team. Pasting Denmark 3-1 was good for the team's soul after last summer's debacle in Germany, but it was a meaningless game against suspect opposition (note that the Denmark squad couldn't beat El Salvador or Honduras either).

Of course the Mexico match is also officially meaningless, but this rivalry has developed to the point where there's no such thing as a "friendly." Just a look at the rosters proves this point. Both teams have called in substantial additions from Europe to bolster their squads. Tim Howard, Carlos Bocanegra, Bobby Convey, and Clinton Dempsey have flown in for the U.S., while Mexico counters with Rafa Marquez (who looked fully fit for Barcelona in Sunday's draw with Osasuna), and Ricardo Osorio. In addition, new coach Hugo Sanchez has brought in a number of older players (Jared Borgetti, Cuauhtemoc Blanco) who aren't expected to be key figures in Mexico's 2010 World Cup qualifying plans.

"Obviously I think it's a statement that they take this game very seriously," U.S. coach Bob Bradley said in a conference call with reporters this afternoon. "We will wait to see, obviously, the decision in terms of who they put on the field to start."

Of course the U.S. has owned Mexico recently, compiling a 7-2-1 record since 2000 and going unbeaten in seven straight contests at home. If Bob Bradley can break his maiden against our southern neighbors on his first attempt it will be a significant step towards removing the interim tag from his title.

Other highlights from this afternoon's conference call:

On the rivalry with Mexico:

I have an expression that I use with the players a lot. When you're in a camp, at the end of the camp when you have a match the spotlight comes on. The spotlight in those 90 minutes tells a lot about everything that went on in the camp. We certainly know that when we play Mexico at the University of Phoenix stadium with the crowd that's anticipated, that spotlight will come on very, very brightly. ... Bruce always made sure that those teams really went after Mexico, and I think that's an important thing for us to be thinking about for Wednesday.

On Claudio Reyna's retirement:

I think Claudio is gong to be a very, very difficult player to replace. He had the ability to control the tempo of the game. His pure skill on the ball allowed him at times to slow the game down and give the game some pause when it was necessary. That's something that we'll need time to develop. We all recognize that Claudio has been a very special player for our national team, and certainly replacing him is a big challenge.

On the enigmatic Eddie Johnson:

Eddie is still a young player who we feel we must invest some time in. I think, like many other young players, when there's some early success then at times that also creates pressure, and with it there are ups and downs. We are trying hard just to create a good understanding with Eddie on what we expect everyday, trying hard to challenge him in training, show him little things. We still feel that he has come into camp with a good attitude, a good mentality to learn, and we feel that all of that bodes well for the future.

On his Mexican counterpart Hugo Sanchez:

Like everyone else, I read some of the quotes that come out of the Mexican camp, and I certainly can say that the mentality of Hugo Sanchez is to erase some of the results. That shows his competitiveness, which has always marked his career.

On being an interim coach:

I have not allowed this interim thing to factor into any part of it. I feel good with the work that [assistant coaches] Peter Nowak and Mike Sorber and Zach Abdel and myself have done, and now we are anxious to put it out on the field in an important game.

Folks will be gathering locally Wednesday evening at Brit's Pub to watch the match. Television coverage on ESPN2 and Univision begins at 8 p.m. CST.

And don't miss this tremendous interview with the redoubtable proprietor of du nord.

Posted by Paul Demko at February 05, 2007 01:27 PM

 

The dark clouds may soon be mobile

I wrote this blurb about David Simon for CP's Artist of the Year issue, which is slated to come out on December 27. Unfortunately someone else had already penned a tribute to Ed Burns, so my piece got shitcanned. But I figured I'd post it in this long neglected space so as to further disappoint the porn-blog surfers of the world.

The Wire is not an easy show to watch. The sheer number of characters--some five dozen, ebbing and flowing in their importance across the seasons--can make it bewildering. The dialogue, often salted with vernacular unique to the streets of West Baltimore, can make closed captioning seem like an appealing option. And the dense tangle of plot strains, from politics to drug cartels to public schools, can initially be overwhelming. But anyone who takes the time to soak up the rhythms of David Simon's unflinching dissection of life on the streets of Baltimore will be profoundly rewarded. The fourth season, which concluded last month, focused in part on the lives of four public school students on the cusp of joining the corner life. While this scenario is fraught with the kinds of saccharine cliches associated with after school specials, the execution was sublime. When Randy, the babyfaced kid who gets tarred as a police snitch, realizes that nobody--not his doting foster mom, not the police--can protect him, the impact is devastating. When Michael, the brooding, resolute guardian of his little brother, crosses the line from minor hoodlum to hitman, it's shocking. The borders between criminal and clean are constantly blurring on The Wire. At times you have more sympathy for Omar, the gay stick up man who stalks the streets wielding a sawed off shotgun, than you do for Tommy Carcetti, the white politician whose reform agenda is trumped only by his ambition. To quote Prez, the idealistic cop-turned-teacher: "No one wins. One side just loses more slowly."

Posted by Paul Demko at December 18, 2006 01:06 PM

 

Does anyone know how I can get my shampoo, deodorant, shaving cream, toothpaste, and bottled water back from the Department of Homeland Security?

I was in Dallas this weekend for the MLS Cup. Here's what I learned:

1. MLS is entering a new era. The so-called Beckham rule will shake things up in a manner not seen since the league opted to euthanize the two Florida franchises in 2001. I think the time is right. First prediction: Figo to New York.

2. Brian Ching keeps getting better and better. The MLS Cup MVP used to be notable mainly for his size, a formidable hunk of flesh and bone for defenders to worry about on set pieces and crosses. But he's developed into the most dangerous forward in the league, capable of sniping goals from the smallest of openings. He's got to be big in the offensive mix for whomever becomes the next U.S. coach.

3. The Dynamo fans were fantastic. Sure it's easy to support a team that arrives in town built to contend for a title. But success has not always insured fan support (see Wizards, Kansas City) in this league. The orange-clad masses turned Pizza Hut Park into a pronounced home-field advantage. Even more impressive was the percentage of Hispanic supporters among the Dynamo faithful. No other team in the league can boast such backing from Spanish-speaking fans.

4. The North Dallas suburbs remain a soul-less, strip-malled hellhole.

5. New England deserved to win this rather flaccid affair. The insertion of Clint Dempsey into the side in the second half provided a major boost of creativity and energy. The Revolution was the better side throughout the final 75 minutes. Houston, by contrast, showed little interest in attacking. With the exception of Dwayne DeRosario they played dull, nervous soccer.

6. Who from these two squads will be playing in Europe next year? Dempsey, Shalrie Joseph and DeRosario seem likely. I wouldn't be surprised if Ching (and maybe Noonan?) also joins the exodus.

7. Cheese is definitely the national food of Texas. Mass quantities of it were consumed at Aparicio's Restaurante Mexicana & Tequila Bar and Ciquita's.

8. Dave Dir is a very, very funny man. He should have his own late night comedy show, but he should not be put in charge of Dallas again.

Posted by Paul Demko at November 14, 2006 04:18 PM

 

LNW! endorses Obi Sium for Congress

Last week Bruce and I sat down with Minnesota Thunder coach Amos Magee. The hour-long conversation was candid and freewheeling. The first year coach, whose team finished tied for last place in the 1st Division this year, was optimistic about the team's prospects moving forward. Read the interview at Blue Sky Soccer.

Posted by Paul Demko at November 07, 2006 04:37 PM

 

The other day I received a copy of the new Jerry Lee Lewis album in the mail. Yep, the killer is still alive. Barely though. He sounds terrible. Somebody should have stopped this travesty from reaching store shelves in order to protect the man's dignity.

When you spend as much time watching and thinking about soccer as I do your mind becomes horribly warped. You can't believe that the overwhelming majority of people you meet have no idea who Jeff Cunningham is, let alone that he became the first player in MLS history to lead the league in scoring despite playing for a team that did not make the playoffs.

So it was this psychological dislocation--coupled with the knowledge that the Bears were on a bye week--that led me to believe that the Chicago Fire would pack Toyota Park for Sunday's playoff opener against New England. After all I (and three of my similarly afflicted compatriots) was willing to spend 15 hours cramped in a car over two days simply to take in this grand spectacle. And the team's last two regular season home games had attracted upwards of 38,000 fans. Surely the Fire faithful would be out in force.

How wrong I was. A piddly 10,217 was the announced attendance, but I'm guessing the actual count was closer to 8,000. Whole swaths of the beautiful new stadium went untainted by butt prints. Of course it didn't help that it was a bone-chilling 39 degrees at kickoff, with a stiff wind making it feel much colder.

But after checking out the attendance statistics at the other three playoff venues this weekend, it seems that weather isn't the primary issue. In fact, Chicago had the second best attendance of the four games. Chivas (sunny and 85 degrees) drew a lackluster 15,110, while New York (sunny and 57 degrees) attracted a paltry 8,630 (half of them undoubtedly D.C. fans), and Colorado (cloudy and 35 degrees) sold a monumentally pathetic 4,176 tickets.

What's completely bewildering about this paucity of tickets sales is that MLS had ended the season on a high note attendance-wise. The last two weeks of the season saw an average of roughly 20,000 tickets sold per game--or 5,000 more than the average for the entire season. Perhaps wrongly, I attributed this uptick to late-season drama. After all, with just two games left in the season only one team (Columbus) had been eliminated from the playoffs.

But why would casual fans show up to see if their local squad makes the playoffs, but not for the post-season games themselves? It makes no sense.

Posted by Paul Demko at October 23, 2006 02:35 PM

 

Right now a three liter box of Hardy's Shiraz is on sale for $12.99 at Surdyk's

MLS began announcing its season-end awards today. Troy Perkins won goalkeeper of the year. Much deserved I say.

But much more importantly, the Kansas City Wizards have been awarded the "Kraft Global Team Fair Play" award. Now this news will come as no surprise to dedicated MLS watchers. Since the award's inception the Wizards have dominated the competition, winning the coveted fair play trophy an unparalleled four times in a decade.

So how have the Wiz faired in the years that they were deemed the fairest of MLS teams? In 1998, their innaugural fair play title campaign, they finished 12-20, sufficient for last place in the Western Conference. Then in 2002 they compiled a 9-10-9 record, again good enough for last place in the West. Three years later K.C. put together a blistering 11-9-12 record, missing the playoffs. Finally this year the team gutted out a 10-14-8 campaign, once again failing to qualify for the post season.

Perhaps they should rename it the "Kraft Sucks Major Ass" award.

Posted by Paul Demko at October 19, 2006 03:59 PM

 

Does anyone have a lawnmower I can borrow?

On Sunday I will be in Chicago for the Fire-Revolution playoff match. Here are a few questions that I have heading into the playoffs:

1. Can D.C. United become the Detroit Tigers of MLS? Can they magically turn it on after a season ending malaise? Alecko Eskandarian will be the key. Is he in sufficient form, having not scored since August 10 (against Real Madrid), to put the ball in the net?

2. Can D.C. survive Facundo Erpen? The defender is talented and can uncork a mean shot, but he's also prone to making horrendous errors. Last week against Chicago he was simply terrible. No team playing a three-man backline can afford mistakes.

3. Why is Colorado in the playoffs? How can a team field Thiago Martins and Jacob Peterson as their forwards and expect to score goals? This is why MLS should switch to a six-team playoff format, a la the 1st Division. There are only a half dozen contenders in the mix.

4. Has New England finally got its shit together? All season long I've been expecting them to be the best team in the league and they've sputtered and flailed. But they finished the season unbeaten in their final seven games. Have they simply been lying in wait, knowing that the playoffs is the time to peak?

5. Will Clint Dempsey finish his MLS career with a title? I'd bet on it. Since returning from the World Cup Dempsey has been dominating games in a manner that only Landon Donovan has proven capable of in recent memory. The ferocity and ingenuity of his play has been exhilarating to watch. Where will he end up in January?

6. Why is Jeff Cunningham a finalist for MVP? Personally I don't think a player on a team that fails to make the playoffs and finishes with the worst record in the Western Conference deserves consideration. I know he's got the stats (16 goals, 11 assists), but soccer is not a game that can be deconstructed by numbers. My finalists: Christian Gomez, DeWayne DeRosario, and Chris Armas. The latter was the glue that enabled a Chicago team that doesn't look like much on paper to be tops in the league during the second half of the year.

7. What the fuck is up with Matt Pickens hair? Somebody buy that guy a bottle of shampoo.

8. Does Bob Bradley deserve all the kudos he's getting? The guy's got more financial resources at his disposal than any other team in the league. I'd like to see an actual comparison between the payrolls of Columbus and Chivas. The notion that MLS teams are on a level financial playing field is a joke. I'm more impressed with the job fat Sigi did cobbling together a not-completely-embarrassing Crew team from a roster thin on talent and decimated by injuries. My choice for coach of the year? Dave Sarachan.

9. Who will play New England in the final? Houston. DeRosario is playing the best football of his career. He thrives on big games. And (like Dempsey) is looking to head off to Europe.

Posted by Paul Demko at October 18, 2006 04:39 PM

 

Please go visit worldcupman.com

The World Cup final just made me depressed. Penalty kicks can not be allowed to decide the greatest sporting event in the world. The teams should be forced to keep playing until someone scores. If you tell those fuckers that they can't leave the field until someone, somehow puts the ball in the back of the net they will find a way to do so.

The problem with penalty kicks is not only that they have absolutely nothing to do with the dynamics of a soccer game. It's also that the prospect of penality kicks completely changes how teams play. Italy--knowing that they have the best goalkeeper in the world (or at least one that's exponentially better than that jackass that the French keep putting between the posts)--can sit back throughout the two overtimes and kill off the game. There's no incentive to attack, no desperation. If they understood that they were going to have to run around that pitch all bloody night until someone, somehow scored I guarantee their approach would be markedly different.

Of course this will never happen. I understand that. But some alternative to penalty kicks is needed. Here's my proposal: Make the bastards play again the next day. Or the next weekend. Another 90 minutes on the same field with the same players. And if it's still tied after 240 minutes they have to do it again the next day. Eventually, one side will prevail.

Posted by Paul Demko at July 11, 2006 05:58 PM

 

Yesterday I was on The Current talking about the World Cup and stated that I was cheering for anyone but England. But I misspoke: it's anyone but the diving wanker Italians.

Day 10
One of the outdoor viewing areas in Cologne was next to the Dom. We watched Togo play Switzerland there. Despite the heroic efforts of Emmanuel Adebayor, the West Africans couldn't figure out how to put the ball in the net.

Construction of the Dom began in 1220. It wasn't completed until 1880. For four years it was the tallest building in the world, but was then eclipsed by the Washington monument. I hope they're right about that whole Jesus thing.

Andy, Neal and I walked up to the top of the Dom. We did not write our names on the wall. Jesus surely wouldn't approve.

There were so many insane drunken Brits in town for the England-Sweden game that they set up an English-language feed on the opposite bank of the Rhine. We stopped by to watch Saudi Arabia-Ukraine. The game was so mercilessly dull that Andy and Neal fell asleep on the blacktop.

Day 11
The Ludwig Museum in Cologne is fabulous. It has a redoubtable collection of Picassos. The works span his entire artistic life, from stylistic explorations in the 1920's to massive, flamboyant, lascivious works created when he was in his 80's. But my favorite painting in the Ludwig, by an artist whose name escapes me, was called "The Divers." It was commissioned in honor of the Italian national team.

Speaking of artistic masterworks, this automobile had been converted into a rolling St. George's cross. The genius of the Brits is truly limitless.

If you can't beat them join them.

Day 12
The public viewing area in Nuremberg was sweet. A slew of picnic tables and a whole bunch of big-screen TVs set up in the middle of the old city. Surrounded by food and beverage stands. For some reason there were a lot of Mexicans in town.

You probably can't tell from this photogrph, but these Mexican fans were dancing to a gloriously bad German cover band playing "Sweet Home Alabama."

Andy and Neal were hawking the last of the Bruce shirts.

When inexplicably, midway through Argentina-Netherlands, our hero made an appearance. Upon being swarmed by fans he quickly took off.

Day 13
Caution: jackasses.

The stadium in Nuremberg was adjacent to the old parade grounds, where Hitler held his massive Nazi rallies.

I could be pissed about the absurd PK called against Oguchi. But in retrospect I think Ghana was just the better team.

At this point the battery in my camera died. The last day of the trip went undocumented. But this pretty much sums up the whole journey.

Posted by Paul Demko at June 28, 2006 05:35 PM

 

Free Deco: it's criminal that he won't be on the field for Portugal's next game

Days 5 and 6
It's a wonder that more Americans don't get killed, or at least seriously injured, in Amsterdam. For starters, they're everywhere (Americans, that is). Secondly, a significant percentage of them are stoned. Finally, the traffic patterns in Amsterdam are, at least initially, bewildering. The sidewalks and the streets just kind of blend together. There are practically no cars, but bikes and trams seem to be coming by from every direction. My brother and I spent the first day spinning in circles at every intersection, bewildered as to which way we should be looking to detect on-coming transportation devices. The canals, though, are lovely.

The museums in Amsterdam were somewhat disappointing. Both the Rijksmuseum, with its redoubtable collection of Rembrandts, and the Van Gogh were so crowded that you had to work your way through practically in single file. It's difficult to get too excited about the works when you constantly have to jockey for position. We watched Togo squander a one-goal lead to the Koreans in some British pub and watched Kirsten Dunst endlessly fret about her inability to get pregnant in Marie Antionette. I'm not sure which was more disappointing. The whole city was awash in orange, including my brother.

Days 7 and 8
One of the chief reasons for renting an apartment in Cologne was to do laundry. Our first attempt, however, did not go well. Perhaps that's because we were drinking half-liter bottles of Bitburger and watching Sweden eek out a 1-0 victory over Trinidad & Tobago on a seven-inch TV while attempting to operate the laundry machine. The end result: six inches of standing water in the machine, sopping wet clothes, and a flooded bathroom floor. This necessitated a trip to the laundromat the next morning and consequentially we didn't make it in to Heidelberg until roughly 6 p.m. Just in time to meet up with the rest of the Minnesota posse at one of the city's famed university drinking clubs, the Red Ox Inn.

Day 9
The next morning we hiked up to the castle overlooking Heidelberg. It's home to the Heidelberg Tun, which can hold roughly 58,000 gallons of wine. The views of the Rhine and the town below were quite spectacular.

Prior to leaving for the game in Kaiserslautern, Neal attempted to hawk some Bruce t-shirts outside the train station.

The one ecstatic night of football. The U.S. came out with a ferocity and determination that was completely lacking in the first match. The Italians dove and writhed all over the pitch as only they can. The crowd was loud and belligerent and wonderful. My favorite moment came when Kasey Keller, retrieving a ball from the corner, looked up to our section and pumped his fist in air, lifting the U.S. supporters into a frenzy. The last fifteen minutes, with the nine-man American squad utterly spent and Keller heroically thwarting the Italians, was torturously fantastic.

Posted by Paul Demko at June 27, 2006 06:15 PM