October 22, 2004

The American Idle Presidential Poll

We at the American Idle corporate HQ are, collectively, no John Zogby, but we strongly feel this poll could get a bead on where America is really coming from. Please take the poll, write down the letter in front of the answer you choose for each question, and, who knows, it might spell out a dirty word on your page or something.

Who's more annoying?
a. The Kerry daughters
b. The Bush twins
c. The Hilton Sisters
d. The Scissor Sisters

Our president is best described as:
a. A Jesus freak
b. A Bible Thumper
c. Old school Crusader
d. Crazy guy on the street we give money to so he leaves us alone

Which would you accept more of from a candidate:
a. Mixed messages
b. Flip-flops
c. Grand diversions
d. Coke jones

Which president was actually uglier than John Kerry?
a. Abraham Lincoln
b. John Tyler
c. William McKinley
d. Lincoln after he was shot

If Dick Cheney had to bring one thing with him to a desert island it would be:
a. George W. Bush
b. The Bible
c. Sade's Greatest Hits
d. The Wall Street Journal and a box of Little Debbies (2 items - big fat cheater!)

John Edwards is to Dan Quayle as a cocker spaniel is to:
a. A Jack Russell terrier
b. A fire hydrant
c. A potatoe
d. Primordial ooze

If called upon to do so, could John Kerry "Rock the Vote?"
a. Yes
b. No
c. Possibly "Smooth Jazz the Vote"

If called upon to do so, could George W. Bush "Rock the Vote?"
a. Yes
b. No
c. If the vote is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!

John Kerry:
a. Boxers
b. Briefs
c. Commando
d. The flesh of Dickensian orphans, sewn into a big diaper

Who would best be able to find Upper Volta on a map?
a. John Kerry
b. George W. Bush
c. Fuck Upper Volta

How many troops will it take to secure Iraq?
a. 25,000
b. 125,000
c. 1.25 million
d. How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

Americans have trouble understanding the candidates' economic policies. Why?
a. Our failed educational system
b. Most Americans don't speak Vaguery
c. Kerry's is probably in metric
d. Did you hear Britney Spears got married again?

Who orchestrated the attack on 9/11?
a. Osama Bin Laden
b. Saddam Hussein
c. Barack Obama
d. Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila

When President Bush heard of the 9/11 attacks, he was holding what?
a. A book called "The Pet Goat"
b. His dick in his hand
c. His breath until he fainted
d. A terrible secret in his heart about his competence to lead

The capital of Afghanistan is:
a. Kabul
b. Baghdad
c. Afghanistan City
d. Who gives a fuckistan?

Aluminum tubes are primarily used for:
a. Nuclear power production
b. Dorm room bookshelves
c. Gay porn
d. The sweetest bong hits, dude!

John Kerry is best described as:
a. Liberal Democrat
b. Moderate Democrat
c. Having a face for radio
d. Pink answer in the "Trivial Pursuit: The 2000-2010 Edition" card pack

George W. Bush is best described as:
a. Conservative Republican
b. Compassionate Conservative
c. Rotary Club Guest Speaker of the Year (2005-2007)
d. Adrift in a sea of religious ideology and partisan hackery that chronically boggles his gin-damaged brain

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 22, 2004 06:40 AM

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